The New Housemates

By Sarah Mahoney, July & August 2007

Whether widowed, divorced, or single, more and more women are finding a surprisingly practical living arrangement

An old German proverb goes something like this: "Two cats and one mouse, two women in one house, two dogs to one bone, will not agree long." Well, we can't speak for cats, dogs, and mice, but these days more and more women are living two, three, and sometimes more to a house. And they're agreeing on everything from how to split the electric bill to who gets use of the kitchen on Saturday night. Indeed, what was originally thought to be an impossible situation is turning out to be a godsend for many women. Take the case of Penny Bond, 59, and Kathy Austin, 52, two pioneers in what is becoming a hot housing trend for older women—home sharing. The two friends met more than 15 years ago when, says Penny, "we were both coming out of long, difficult marriages. After that, we spent so much time with each other that we'd often talk about moving in together as housemates. But because we both so valued our privacy and independence, we'd always end up getting cold feet."
Then in 1999 Kathy asked if she could stay with Penny for a few weeks while she had some work done on her house. Because of a long series of contractor disasters, those few weeks turned into nine months. During that time the women got along so well, they decided to make the arrangement permanent. "Living together just made sense, for several reasons," Penny explains. "As friends, we were already spending time together. And during those nine months we found out we each had as much alone time as we wanted. It just seemed ludicrous to keep paying for two households."
That was eight years ago. The two are still together and quite content as they share Kathy's house in Asheville, North Carolina. They even started a business together. Their respective kids—six in all, plus two grandchildren—come and go on a regular basis. "We've got a very comfortable system going here," says Kathy.
Data from the U.S. Census Bureau indicate that about 500,000 women, or a little more than 1 percent of women 50 and older, currently live with a nonromantic housemate. And experts predict that eventually women like Penny and Kathy will be the norm instead of the exception: think Golden Girls meets Kate & Allie. Fueled by simple demographics, financial reality, and the resilience demanded of living on one's own, these women are finding the housemate option to be an attractive one as they ease into retirement. A recent AARP Foundation Women's Leadership Circle Study found that more than a third of the 1,200-plus women 45 and older surveyed said they'd be interested in sharing a house with friends or other women—as long as it included private space.

Though it's nice to have company when you want it, the bigger incentive for home sharing is this: it just makes good financial sense. Two can usually live more cheaply than one. And many of the 25 million single women over age 45 are not only single—they're absolutely unapologetic about it and have accepted that, at least in the foreseeable future, "Prince Charming isn't likely to arrive bearing gifts of real estate," says Candace Bahr, cofounder of the Women's Institute for Financial Education and a managing partner of Bahr Investment Group, which specializes in financial planning after divorce. Many of these single women also realize that they're less financially prepared for retirement than their married counterparts, and that they haven't been able to earn as much money during their working years as most men. Often these women are divorced or widowed and know firsthand how hard it is to maintain a one-income household. They are willing to consider any option, as long as it allows them to hold on to their freedom.
"After all, we're from the generation of women who lived in communes back in the 1960s," says Connie Skillingstad, who launched Golden Girls Housing in Minneapolis several years ago. The nonprofit service helps women look at nontraditional options for housing that meet their financial, social, and emotional needs. Skillingstad says it's tough for some women to think seriously about shared housing, and many don't know where to start. "In our culture, living communally with people who aren't related to us certainly isn't considered the norm," says Jacqueline Grossmann, copresident of the National Shared Housing Resource Center and a housing specialist at the Interfaith Housing Center of the Northern Suburbs, outside Chicago. "So when women decide to do this, there's usually a pretty compelling financial need—a divorce, a job loss, an illness, or even the realization that they don't have enough of a nest egg."
And, of course, not every house-sharing experience is a positive one. There can be personality conflicts, says Grossmann. There can be minor squabbles about anything from too many out-of-town visitors to who should clean out the fridge. And there can be major disasters: a landlord who seemed shy and sweet turns out to be psycho, or a dear friend is revealed as a deadbeat. All that said, many women are releasing their cultural hangups and their fears of the roommate from hell and venturing down this new path. "This is the wave of the future," Skillingstad predicts. Here's why.
Financial Security
Though shared housing can initially feel like a regression to younger times (not that there's anything wrong with that), most grownup housemates quickly begin to appreciate the financial benefits of the arrangement. Mortgage holders find themselves breathing easier about paying the bills. And renters often get more square footage—not to mention a bigger break on utilities—than they'd find solo.
And then there are the women who are pooling their resources not just to make ends meet but to build wealth. Ann Beavers, 61, and Ruth Sorensen, 58, decided to be housemates and bought their first place together—a condo in Anaheim, California—in 1988. Both were school administrators. "Ann had financial savvy, but I didn't," says Ruth. "I had lots of student loans, and then I traveled a lot using credit cards. By the time I was in my 30s, I realized that with my debts, California housing prices, and a school salary, there was just no way I'd ever be able to afford a house on my own." So when Ann suggested they buy a condo together, Ruth knew it was a good idea. Four years later the two were so pleased with the arrangement that they bought a second property, a smaller condo in Oceanside, California, for weekends at the beach.
Soon after, they sold the Anaheim property and bought a larger home, also in Oceanside, and moved Ruth's frail mother into the little condo. When it became clear she needed more care, Ann and Ruth sold both properties and bought a dream home that could accommodate all three of them. Ann and Ruth are convinced that if they hadn't combined their money, they would have never been as financially secure as they both are now. "And because we shared all our costs over the years—the mortgages, insurance, furnishings—we were able to save enough so we could both retire early," says Ruth.
Time to Think
Some of life's lowest moments come with a cash bonus. "Whether it's from a life insurance policy or a divorce settlement, many women who find themselves suddenly single also have a lump sum of money, and they are tempted to dive into a real-estate purchase," says Bahr. "But often a house just isn't the investment women expect it to be." Sharing housing with another woman during such transitions can be ideal, Bahr says, because it buys the new single some time before she has to make any big decisions. "Sometimes it takes a few years before a woman can admit to herself she really can't afford to keep that marital home, and to make the emotional decision to sell it and move someplace smaller," she says. Having a housemate provides a financial cushion so a woman doesn't have to make any rash decisions.
"I've had a couple of marriages, two kids, and lots of different living arrangements," says Leah Song, 65, who is in the midst of contemplating some big changes—including whether she should move to Santa Cruz, California, where she'd be close to her daughter, as well as the possibility of a new career in financial services. So renting out part of her Weaverville, North Carolina, house to a friend, also in her 60s, makes perfect sense right now. While Leah and her friend (who is in the midst of buying a condo) make plans for the future, Leah earns an extra $525 in rental income that affords her some breathing room.
Peace of Mind
For Zenaida Yap, in her early 50s, making the decision to move in with another woman—in her case, someone almost 40 years older—has given her an entirely different perspective about her own future. She has lived in the San Francisco area for years, and while she still dreams of owning her own home someday, she came to realize that—given the current cost of housing—it just might never happen. And increasingly, she found herself worried about her future: "I started thinking, 'What if I lost my job? What if I got sick?'"
Zenaida considered home sharing. The more she thought about it, the more sense it made: between her long commute to her job in apparel production, 12-hour workdays, and trips to the gym, she figures she is away from home about 15 hours a day anyway. Because she has a cat, it took more than a year and a half before she found a "match": 91-year-old Helen Holmelund, who'd been in California's San Mateo area since 1940 and who'd been renting out space in her home for more than 20 years.
Helen, a wheelchair user, and Zenaida clicked right away. Turns out Helen loves Coco the cat, which alleviates Zenaida's guilt about leaving her furry pal alone for such long stretches. And the configuration of the house, where Zenaida has two bedrooms and a private bath, allows for plenty of private time. Still, it was a big adjustment sharing the common spaces. "I work such long hours, and there are just days when I cannot talk—I just don't have it in me," she says. "And since Helen has been alone all day, I can sense that she wants to." So Zenaida makes more of an effort to make that connection. "As I move toward retirement, the reality is that I probably will find myself in some sort of co-op for seniors—I think it's healthier, and a better social environment. So I think this is a good transition for me," she says. "Unfortunately, when you live by yourself, you can get very set in your ways."
Companionship
For some women, living with other women—whether an old friend or a complete stranger—offers a perk that goes beyond extra money or someone to go to the movies with. It is the spark that some women need to move to a higher sense of living. "Sometimes all it takes for a woman living alone and just existing to rev up her life is reconnecting with another human being," says Joan Medlicott, author of the popular Ladies of Covington series of novels about the adventures of three older women sharing a home (see The Covington Chronicles). "All of a sudden the women find themselves sharing their interests and strengths and, eventually, helping one another reinvent and reinvigorate each of their lives."
Maggie Glaros, 50, who now lives in Plant City, Florida, experienced this firsthand. Several years ago she rented a basement apartment from a stranger, and it turned out to be one of the most important friendships she's ever had. "My roommate started out by saying, when I first moved in, what a private person she was. And I kept saying how private I was. But we became close friends, and within weeks we both came out of our shells, not just with each other but also with neighbors. She'd been in that housing development for five years and had never met any of them. All of a sudden we were throwing brunches and baking cookies," says Maggie. "We both just needed that kind of close, safe friendship to blossom."
Of course, sometimes hoped-for friendships don't develop. Merle Bentley, 60, of Milledgeville, Georgia, had a nasty experience with a woman who advertised for a housemate and seemed friendly enough, but who got hostile once Merle moved in. "She was just so scared about getting behind with her mortgage that she would have told me anything to get me to move in," Merle recalls. "And at that point I was so desperate for a place to stay that there wasn't much I could do." Even women who have known each other for years can discover that living together is very different from meeting each other for lunch and a chat. "That's why it's so important to discuss expectations before making this kind of a move," says Janet Portman, an attorney and coauthor of Every Landlord's Legal Guide, 8th edition (Nolo, 2006). Having a plan B is essential. "If you're moving in with someone you've known a long time," she advises, "think of the worst-case scenario: am I willing to lose this person as a friend if it doesn't work?"
For all the potential pluses of moving in with your girlfriends, there's no denying that it can be scary. All that explains why, for many women, the housemate thing remains more appealing as a plan for the future. Susan Katz, 62, a consultant with Brecht Associates, which specializes in senior housing issues, says she and her four closest friends have cooked up an elaborate retirement scheme. Two of the five will sell their homes to create a travel fund, so all of them can shuttle back and forth between the three remaining homes. "All five of us are still married. But we know—statistically, anyway—we'll probably end up widows. If that happens, we have a plan."
Frequent contributor Sarah Mahoney lives in Durham, Maine. Her article "The Secret Lives of Single Women" appeared in the May & June 2006 issue.

RETIREMENT by Lisa Scherzer

Published September 21, 2007

Women Turn to Alternative Housing to Meet Retirement Needs

FIVE YEARS AGO, Bonnie Jackson, now 64, was given a one-two punch of bad news: Not only had she been laid off from her contracting job at Motorola, but she was also diagnosed with Parkinson's disease. Facing retirement without the extra income and the prospect of sky-high medical bills left Jackson, a divorcee and mother of two grown children, reeling. That was until she contacted a housing coordinator at the Interfaith Housing Center, a local advocate for affordable housing in Chicago's suburbs and member of National Shared Housing Resources.
Interfaith now helps Jackson find tenants for the two unused bedrooms in her three-story Evanston, Ill., home. Since 2002, Jackson has hosted three to four renters a year, each of whom pays $500 a month for a room and the use of the kitchen, laundry, TV and a place in her garage for their bikes. (She can arrange for her tenants to pay a little less if they run errands for her or help her change light bulbs or open bottles.) Some stay a month; others stay a year or more. So far, the arrangement has worked. "I think I'll continue to do this for as long as I can. It pays the mortgage and provides active conversation," she says. "I've developed real friendships with a couple of people now."

Driven by simple demographics, financial hardship and a little loneliness, Jackson is one of a growing number of single, retirement-age women who are turning to somewhat alternative living arrangements. Unfortunately, most of these women have few other choices. The fact is that women tend to live longer than men, typically earn less than men and have less money available in a 401(k) plan or in Social Security benefits because of time taken off to raise children.
Those factors add up to a pretty scary retirement scenario: Women need more, but have much less. Sharon Rich, a fee-only Boston-area financial planner who focuses on women and families, says women must assume that at some point they'll be single, and plan accordingly.
Bag Lady Syndrome
A 2006 Census Bureau found that 7.4 million women aged 65 and older live alone, compared with 2.7 million men. Those figures are up since 1990 when 6.9 million women were found to be living alone compared with 1.9 million men. Even scarier: In 2005, the Census found that 12% of women age 65 and older were living in poverty, a sizable chunk more than the 7% of men in the same group.
"I basically say single women are going to be bag ladies, except their bags will be suitcases with wheels," says Nancy Dailey, a sociologist and author of "When Baby Boom Women Retire." (Dailey, by the way, considers herself a realist, not a pessimist, when it comes to this topic.)
Minimizing living expenses while maximizing disposable income is the key to surviving a solo retirement, says Dailey. However, that's easier said than done when you're on a fixed income, used to living in a nice home, and perhaps not as healthy as you once were. "It's amazing. They spend most of their senior life overcoming a lack of preparation and bad financial decisions," says Dailey.
Patsy Acers, founder of the appropriately named Bag Lady Financial Services in Oklahoma City, says she has several retired and single female clients who have taken librarian assistant jobs, teaching jobs and various menial jobs to supplement their income. Others turn to family. "I've had clients in their 60s who are retired and who returned home to live with their parents," says Acers. "Some moved in with their children to take care of their grandchildren, especially if their child is divorced."
For those who don't have the option to move in with the kids or take part-time jobs, living with other people has become an increasingly promising option. Some, like Jackson, are renting out spare rooms in their homes, while others are organizing their own co-housing communities geared specifically for older women.
Roommate Needed
After 25 years working in Silicon Valley, Marianne Kilkenny, who's in her late 50s and divorced with no children, decided she wanted to live the latter part of her life amongst neighbors and friends — not in a nursing home where her parents spent their final years.
So Kilkenny moved to Asheville, N.C., with the goal of finding a so-called intentional community — a neighborhood of friends and people (mostly women) that she shared things in common with. But instead of joining an existing community, the self-described maverick set up her own, buying two houses in a three-house enclave. Now, she lives in one house, rents her second property to two other single women, and has a friend living next door.
"It's like being married to four different people," says Kilkenny, who helped organize the "Women Living in Community" conference in Asheville in July. "You drive into your driveway and there's someone there. It's huge for me. I can walk out on my porch and say 'Morning, Bobbie, want a cup of coffee?' There's camaraderie."
Shared or co-housing may conjure up notions of assigned chores and yours-and-mine boxes of cereal. But that's not the way Kilkenny and others forming these communities envision it.
Kilkenny is modeling her mini-community after the Beguines, a group of women that lived together in towns across Europe during the 12th to 14th centuries. The Beguines, who decided neither to marry nor join the convent, lived communally, had a spiritual commonality, took care of each other and willed their homes to one another. While there's no particular religious bent to Kilkenny's project, "we are looking at modeling ourselves as a newer version of that," she says.
The concept is picking up some steam. There are currently three co-housing communities specifically geared toward seniors in the U.S.: Glacier Circle in Davis, Calif.; ElderSpirit in Abingdon, Va.; and Silver Sage in Boulder, Colo. At least six more are under construction, says Diana Leafe Christian, the author of two books about living in intentional communities. Christian, who lives in a multigenerational community focused on sustainable living called Earthaven Ecovillage in Black Mountain, N.C., says women — more so than men — are increasingly choosing to live together for reasons of companionship, financial savings and mutual support.
Collective Costs, Communal Savings
An obvious advantage of a communal lifestyle is the savings one gets by pooling resources. Buying a house in a co-housing community may not be cheaper than buying one in a traditional neighborhood because each member owns their own home. But since there's shared use of resources and appliances (say, a lawn mower, exercise area or car), monthly expenses are lower. In this kind of setup, Christian says, there's a common house that has a kitchen, meeting space, laundry facilities and other amenities. "The dinners you eat a few times a week there are cheaper than going out to dinner and cheaper than what you can do on your own because of economies of scale," she says.
Of course, finding a new home in a new community is a serious undertaking. Christian, 61, is currently co-writing a guide for single older women who want to live together with Joan Medlicott, author of a series of books about aging women who share a house titled "The Covington Ladies." The hope is that the book will answer the big and not-so-big questions that come with having housemates: Do I live with friends, or with others I don't know, or a combination of both? Do we have equal ownership in the house? Can I have a pet? Who gets the biggest bedroom? What if I don't want to share my dishes with someone else?
"This is typical stuff for people living in intentional communities," she says. "But retired women never had to think about this stuff before. There could be all kinds of conflicts with well-meaning potential housemates."
Women should have clear, straightforward agreements written down, with privacy considerations included, advises Christian. "Think about it in advance and be flexible enough to change it later once you have experience," she says. "So living in community with others is a self-teaching organism. You see what works and what doesn't."

By Mary Beth Franklin, Senior Editor

From Kiplinger's Personal Finance magazine, May 2007

Meet the Real Golden Girls

Joan Forrester, her sister, Lois McManus, and friends Joanne Murphy and Nancy Rogers share homes in Florida and Massachusetts, which lets them enjoy a more comfortable retirement than they could afford on their own.

By Mary Beth Franklin, Senior Editor
From Kiplinger's Personal Finance magazine, May 2007

KIPLINGER'S: How did you decide to live together?